'Tis the season to be jolly... or not

 I've survived my first term at this institute I've been working at. 

It's. Been. SO. HARD.

It's been a challenge emotionally more than anything.

Dealing with foreigners wasn't something I expected to be THIS challenging.

I'm starting to become a little racist as it feels to me that people from a particular country seem to lack manners which normal civilised individuals do.

Maybe it's the wealth?

Maybe it's the overpopulation?

Maybe it's their age?

What doesn't help with this challenging profile of students is that management isn't the more pleasant either.

..and my colleagues? Well they used to be my saving grace, but on 1 December I found out that not one but BOTH of them resigned. I guess one colleague's resignation had a snowball effect on the other because he had a feeling that the CEO would push 2 classes on him (and probably 2 on me too) instead of hiring a new lecturer.

I voiced out my concerns and sent a message to the CEO the next day, saying that it is imperative for us to hire 3 instead of 2 lecturers - she assured me that she would do so and that evening, they sent me my confirmation and told me that I'll receive my salary increment in January (I was due for a salary review in April - so yay!).

2 positive things came out from this incident:

1. I don't have to be so stressed up about student evaluation now that I'm confirmed
2. One of my biggest grievances about working here was when the CEO refused to even negotiate or discuss salary - it was more of a 'take it or leave it' attitude. In some sense, this felt like such an ironic twist of events - a few months ago, she was being so stuck up and mean when I tried to negotiate a 6-month salary review (which wasn't tied to my confirmation at all) and now here she is trying to 'keep' me as she probably feared that I was going to leave too.

Despite these improvements, I am still scouting around because this student profile and the material I am teaching is not satisfactory. I would much rather Academic English or something of a higher level.

I really need to get on my knees praying.. I'm so desperate to leave to be honest. 

A new challenge

Having left my dream job and workplace at SC, this current working environment pales in comparison especially in terms of the salary, benefits and boss.

I do realise, however, that I was probably overworking in SC due to my dedication to the job and the wonderful people I worked with.

Leaving has made me realise that I probably was in some sense infatuated with job and colleagues. It was reciprocal for some, but not all - but that is fine, I am happy to know that it is possible to find a job and workplace which I love. Hopefully, I'll find it here too one day.. or while we are still here.

In my current workplace, it seems like there are different challenges:

1) Low motivation 

2) Low proficiency

3) Long teaching hours

4) Low pay and benefits

5) Assessments are not standardised

6) Authoritarian boss

Nonetheless, I should be objective and also list the advantages:

1) Small class size

2) Less marking and simpler language throughout

3) Title / position

4) Older students

5) Nice colleagues

Hopefully I'll be able to add to the second list, and not the first.

The Countdown Begins

So today I accepted an offer for a job which I feel I'm being underpaid and undervalued for.

On top of that, we managed to apply for Stephen's pass via Familial Ties Lane.

I can only hope this move will be temporary as our heart and home is essentially here.

May God protect and watch over our house and belongings while we are away.

30 days left - lots of packing and marking to do.

Let's not even forget the ESAP conference this Saturday and worship leading the following week.

So help me God. 

Grief

 8th July 2021, the day I resigned from a job I love... for the sake of my loved ones.

Praying that it will be worth it.

Praying for a good new job and accommodation.

Lord, have mercy. 

This feels like how I felt when Daniel was leaving.

Gosh, I wish I wasn't this week.

Teaching Reflections

Just penning down some thoughts to remind myself of how I can improve my pedagogy and teaching further.

• Avoid overpreparing - I tend to spend hours and hours in order to come up with one lesson. This wastes a lot of time and makes each lesson more 'teacher-centred' because I'm so focused on delivering what I've spent hours preparing. Students should be doing more work and I should be channeling my time and energy into giving feedback, rather than planning lessons.
  
  
• Meet students in the middle - I tend to think of all the things that students get wrong in the past, without realising that the average student or maybe most of them, would have understood after saying it once or twice. I seem to feel the need to be really REALLY sure that students understand. Yet, there will still be a student or two who still do not get it - and probably do not benefit from this 'mass lecture' but require personalised feedback and attention. 
  
  
• Include more group activities in online learning - students want the opportunity to interact with their friends. On the other hand, another group of students did express that they were fed up of group presentations (FIB)

Also, I think I need to deal with my insecurity and need for approval or feeling inadequate. This has caused me to overprepare for a lot of things and then have no energy or willpower to look at marking.

Praying that the next semester will be a better one :') 

It's Over

 Mum and dad have left for Sa Yi's house while they wait for Lydia's wedding to take place.

It was a challenging 2.5months together, I must admit.

Right now, I am filled with mixed emotions - relief that life can return to normal and I can be a functional person as Stephen can be taken care of my my in laws and that there will be more order to the house since I'll be the only messy person around; but at the same time, I feel lost.. or maybe I feel like I've experienced loss? Suddenly without my parents. 

It's so hard. I care for them yet I can't stand them. I want to be with them, yet can't wait till they leave.

I want to take care of them but they have their own way of life and feel stressed out by me.

It's probably good that we live apart, but I still hope that they'll move to live nearby.

After all, they are my parents. Once they're gone, no one can replace that hole in your heart regardless of the scars and brokenness. 

May God grant us the strength, love and grace needed to make the most of our remaining time left here on Earth. 

Struggling

It's been a challenging past two months.

Just one week into the year, Er Jiu's condition became critical - mum and dad came down two days before Er Jiu passed away peacefully. 

Then, MCO 2.0 began. So, mum and dad have been staying with me in JB for almost two months. As nice as it sounds, it's been rather challenging for everyone including Stephen. Nevertheless, it has been a good opportunity for mum and dad to spend time with Stephen and for him to become familiar with them. With that being said, he still is clingy and gives mum and dad a hard time when they need to care for him while I teach.

Personally, I've been having mixed emotions. On one hand, I know this is a precious chance for me to spend time with dad and mum.. as well as get some breathing space to be myself. On the other, I've not stayed with mum and dad for such a long period of time since 2013 and with them, I am my worst self.

It's probably a mixture of my perfectionism, past hurt and scars on top of me having experienced staying with different people like Aunty Sally and my in laws over the years.

Mum and dad will probably leave soon as it's been two months.. while it's more practical (so my in laws can take care of Stephen during my busy period) and the absence after two months together is needed (before we get into another major fight and disown each other) - I know I'll feel really bad when they leave and miss them.

It's so hard. I am divided. I am frustrated. I am struggling. 

Ultimately, I just want Daniel back. 

The Weight of the World

I've been feeling really burdened lately.

Thinking of so many things - poverty, hunger and starvation, safety, theft, illnesses, inability to pay medical bills, abuse, rape, retrenchment, inequality, lack of education and access to information, financial mismanagement.. 

I don't know what to do about them.

Oxytocin

 Stephen turns one month today! After the six month mark, everything became more enjoyable and manageable. Every day, I love lazing around with him after both of us wake up and seeing him so smiley and happy.

Over the past two days, I've heard of two friends being upset over marital issues. The first friend did not share much but I know that she has had issues in the past.. sometimes calling to talk or at least texting. But this time, she did not share much and simply asked for prayer. This was rather worrying.. not knowing what was happening or my friend's circumstance.

The next day, a colleague comes into the office and I overhear her talking to another colleague. Over the months of getting to know her, I did have a feeling that her relationship with her husband was not ideal based on what she told me. It was not bad but it was not great either. She was in tears and complained to her friend. I, sitting behind her, felt bad.. and did not dare to budge into the conversation. 

Yet, my heart aches for my friends for the tough time they are going through. I've had my fair share of tearful nights, and this was particularly when I was in a relationship with Nick. It would last for days, and the conflict would be left unresolved as Nick was not someone who liked confrontation.

With Daniel, we do have our conflict from time to time but we get along better and have similar conflict-resolution approaches. As a result, we have conflict less frequently (compared to my relationship with Nick) and even if we do, it does not drag on for days. 


I can only thank God that things never worked out with Nick. Thankfully it was him who cheated - I was never able to bring myself to permanently end the relationship, so cheating and irresponsibility was the nail that sealed the coffin. I guess he wanted out as well but was not able to say so.

I know for sure that I will the one in tears frequently if we were to be together.. add some children into the scenario, I think it'd be one rocky household.

Marriage so far has really elevated the quality of life because it has been somewhat liberating and empowering. It has also made life more colourful as Daniel is one who knows how to enjoy life while I tend to be more serious. I just hope and pray that everyone who enters marriage will benefit from it too.. although I dread thinking of the reality that there are many unhappy marriages involving abuse or barely staying intact for the sake of the children.

Anyway, just penning my thoughts out as I've been worried about my two friends.. Hopefully things will get better. 

Cortisol Overload

Today was a very stressful day.

To begin with, I was already feeling unwell due to Stephen's multiple night wakings as he's been unwell too. Also, preparation for our final online assessment was very taxing as there were many things to keep checking and updating.

Then, all the technical issues came together at the very end. The system was overloaded and students were sending me private messages - I had about 20 students messaging me at the same time! (I have 83 students in total sitting for the same exam)

Even after all submissions came in (either via the system or email) - there were many loose ends that needed to be sorted. Some submissions were too late and I had to compile each case for coordinators to decide whether to accept their submission or not. I had to jot down the time each student read the instructions (thank God Whatsapp documents this) and the time their email was received. Going back and forth between three classes, Whatsapp and email can get very confusing. I was already in a daze because of the stressful situation.

Later in the evening, I felt nauseous while feeding Stephen. Cold sweats. Shortness of breath.

I wasn't sure if it was the mask I was wearing (didn't want to infect Stephen) or if it was just the overall stress.

After feeding him, I lay down and tried to do my deep breathing. Still shallow breathing.

Finally, I went up and collapsed on the bed after eating some biscuits and having my BP taken by Daniel.

Suddenly, it reminded me of the major panic attacks I had.

The first was in IPBL when I was overwhelmed with TCF stuff.

The second was in NTU when I was submitting my dissertation.

Although I wish I had better handled my stress and anxiety, I would not have discovered the loving embrace of the late Ms Angking as well as Mdm Ruth's prayers. Also, I found comfort in Theresa's patient listening ears and NIE's counsellor's calm advice.

Ok, Stephen's crying. Gotta go!