It's my fault too.

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Heb 12:5-8

Could there?

Could there be a happy ending? Could there be a miracle? Could there be divine intervention? Could there?

Lesson 2.0

I've learnt a very very painful lesson.. not to give my heart fully away too easily. Not until marriage. Not even when you THINK you're heading to marriage. Always hold back, wait for the security within commitment because nothing is guaranteed.

Messy

Messy. That's the most accurate word he's ever used. Messy. This world feels so broken and messy.

GOd is working

Lord, I can do nothing. Only You.

Improvement

Appetite's getting better..

Able to get more sleep..

Less anxious..

More hopeful, less fearful..

But the fear is still there..

Sometimes I wonder - what's the point?

Is there a point, Lord?

Only if You have a purpose for this, that's the only reason I'll need.

But Lord, I don't want to keep rationalising - I've done it too many a time.

I need to trust and believe that whatever happens, YOU ARE GOOD and this is your BEST for me.

But Lord, as I'm waiting.. please grant me the patience. Please develop in me a quiet and gentle spirit which you desire in a woman.

Abba, please open my heart to the process you're doing in my life.. Abba.. This is the most frustrating time of my life. I certainly don't want to go through it again :( But by your grace, the wounds will be healed and I can move forward.

Abba.. please lead the way. Let me not walk any path which You have not set or gone before me. Abba.. my mind gets confused and it chooses what it wants to believe in. Lord, my spiritual ears.. get clouded and confused. Abba.. Abba.. Lord God, help me be still in the storm.

Dysfunctional

That's how I feel right now.

Again.

Can't sleep.
Can't eat.
Can't sit down quietly.

It's 3 months ago repeating itself.
Just as it did 2 months ago.

IS THIS A MONTHLY THING?

Probably related to my monthly friend.

Howdy.

I seem to let you ruin my life once a month.

Self control!!

What do I want?

I want to do what glorifies Him the most in every situation.. but fail so badly.

I want to learn to live a life of love, according to Biblical standards.

"Now eagerly desire the greater gifts.
And yet I will show you the most excellent way.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 
Love never fails."

I've learn to cling on to this, but fail to practise it over and over again.

Right now, I wish I knew what he truly and really wants.

Because it is either to hope, persevere or not seek my own desire.

"Wait," I feel Him say.. Abba, please help me be patient.